09/27/2009 - 17:50

 An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams. 'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.' The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?' 'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo..' 'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.' 'You can't go there,' says St. Peter, 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.' 'Maybe so', says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that.' 



 The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. 'You disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, and the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce! The husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened. 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'But they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began: 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten in three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the supper I made for you last night - the one you wouldn't eat because you were afraid you'd put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in minutes. 'Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and, while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair. The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help, as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, '  Please . . . Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' !!