07/03/2009 - 12:26

Due to increasing product liability, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.Warning : Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a dickhead.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically onverse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species, and/or name you can't remember)Warning : Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.


 The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Alonso's bird in the shower.

 Bert and Ethel both in their eighties go to the doctor for a yearly check up.  The doctor says to Bert while I examine Ethel I want you to give me a urine sample, a faeces sample and a sperm sample, if you see the nurse she will give you some bottles. Bert ,being deaf says "what did he say?" Ethel says "He wants your underpants"!!

 I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.