"And now; Ladies and Gentlemen; by popular request; Yes!!! It's the 'Thread of Funnies'"

02/11/2010 - 03:38


  ....carried out by Aberdeen University found that the average Scotsman walks 900 miles a year. Another study by the Scottish Medical Association found that Scotsmen drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year That means, on average, Scotsmen get about 41 miles to the gallon.  Something to be proud of!!!

 A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is; until the ship sank.  He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,  nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is  lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.  In disbelief, he asks,  'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'  She replied,  'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'  'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'  'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on  the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'  'But, where did you get the tools?'  'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'  The guy is stunned..  'Let's row over to my place,' she says.  After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As  the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.. Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'  'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months.You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've beenlonging for?' She stares into his eyes.... He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes... 'Bloody hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

  Italian customs officers Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.   The Italian customer agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro."   "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.   "Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.   "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman says, not believing what he is hearing.   "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons." "You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent.  "Quattro means four.   You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law".   The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come".  "He's a busy with two guys in a Uno".  

Heaven : where cooks are French, mechanics are German, police are English, lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss. Hell : where cooks are English, mechanics are French, police are German, lovers are Swiss and everything is organized by the Italians. Andrew...thank you for beginning this post...I love jokes!!! :-) Gala and Carol, yours are great!!!

I NO COME TO WORK TODAY !!! Hung Chow calls in to the Post Office and says - "Hey Boss - I no come to work today... I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache, legs hurt. I no come to work today.  The Boss says "Were down three routes already. You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again and says "Boss I do what  you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house!

A Short Neurological Test1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999996999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999993 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMThis is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.SENIOR CITIZENSARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!HEARING AIDSBAND AIDSROLL AIDSWALKING AIDSMEDICAL AIDSGOVERNMENT AIDSMOST OF ALL,MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!Give me the grace to see a joke,To get some humour out of life,And pass it on to other folk.

  Thanks Andrew your're a star! Thanks to the rest also - (thank goodness I found the last one easy!!!!!!) I will ask my Mancunian nephew to send me some so I can join in.   xxx   ps Ronald  - could we have a Grazie button?

  This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.   He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.   George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.   "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."   Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.   One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"   George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, smiles, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, and tells him. "You gonna try again man."  

 When my grandfather was on his last legs and very ill in bed we all went in to him one day and smothered his back in vaseline and lard......... He went downhill very quickly after that.

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!                                                        A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!" Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"                                                                                                                                                            Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?" Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!"    Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy “I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" so he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman. "I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy. Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on". Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says "You know what I want, don't you?" "Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!" Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common? A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one! Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the US. Prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap! Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!" Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off. He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?" Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!" Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. "Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!" Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!" Paddy says "What's his name?" Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days... When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t ' corner shop wi ' a shilling, and I ' d come back wi ' five pounds o ' potatoes, two loaves o ' bread, three pints o ' milk, a turkey, a pound o ' cheese, a packet o ' tea, an ' ' alf a dozen eggs. Yer can ' t do that now. Too many bloody security cameras!

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."  

  Monal your jokes are top, funniest things I've heard in years....Karma for that (if we had a Karma Button that is)....

  Monal your jokes are top, funniest things I've heard in years....Karma for that (if we had a Karma Button that is)....

It's lucky that there's no Irish, Muslims or Catholics on this forum. Could we have some jokes about onion selling frenchmen, mean scottishmen and funny talking chinamen?

 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.   2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.   3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.   4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.   5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.   6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.   7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.   8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.   9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.   10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.   11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.   12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.   13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'   14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.   15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said, 'Keep off the grass.'   16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'   17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.   18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.   19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.   20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.   21. A backward poet writes inverse.   22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.   23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.   24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.      

Thinking again about Gala's Italian border joke , when I was in bed, I remembered that the first time we crossed the border, from Switzerland, we were in a "deux chevaux". I'm now feeling a bit put out that we were allowed through!

    Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out. The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in. Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.' Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'      

 I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass wind. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my wind with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 The English Penny EU Directive No. 456179 In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009 . From this date, the correct terminology will be 'Euronating'. Thank you for your attention.

  1. Lord Stevenson: former chairman, HBOS 2. Sir Fred Goodwin: former chief executive, RBS 3. Andy Hornby: former chief executive, HBOS 4. Sir Tom McKillop: former chairman, RBS 5. John McFall MP: chairman of Treasury Select Committee 6. Alastair Darling: Chancellor of the Exchequer 7. Gordon Brown: Prime Minister and former Chancellor 8. Sir Terry Wogan: presenter of Radio 2's Breakfast Show You're probably thinking Terry Wogan............. And you're right.   However, the reason may surprise you........... Terry Wogan is the only one out of this motley crew who actually holds any formal banking qualification!! True.

V   Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. 'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.' Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What does that tell you?' Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.'

 Bert & Mabel, after many years of blissful togetherness, were walking across the village green contemplating their retirement. Bert says..........'aah Mabel, do you remember all those years ago, it was against that fence over there,  where we first made love together......?' Mabel says 'ooh yes Bert, I remember it well ...............what do you think, shall we have another go while we are still able?' Bert says 'Yes come on, quick, whilst no-one is around' So off they go, Mabel starts hollering and screaming like never before, Bert says 'cor blimey Mabel, steady on, you weren't like this all those years ago'     Mabel says..............'but Bert, the fence wasn't electrified back then !'

 Golden Oldies Revival…. Herman’s Hermits - Mrs Brown you've got a lovely walker. Bee Gees - How can you mend a broken hip? Roberta Flack - First time ever I forgot your face. Paul Simon - 50 ways to lose your liver. The Commodores - Once,twice,three times to the bathroom. Marvin Gaye - Heard it through the hearing aid. Procol Harem - A whiter shade of hair Leo Sayer - You make me feel like napping. The Temptations - Pappas got a kidney stone. Abba - Denture Queen Helen Reddy - I am woman hear me snore. Leslie Gore - It's my procedure and I'll cry if I want to. Willy Nelson - On the commode again

  1.  HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? -You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 -No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10 2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 3.  HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8 4.  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8 5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? -Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 -On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10 6.  WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? -When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7 -The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - - Howard, age 8 7.   IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 8 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8 9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck . -- Ricky, age 10  

 Two angels were taking a walk in heaven one day. It was a cloudy day in Italy. "Where do you think we are above?" said Gabriel. Thats easy said Gabriela, sticking her hand through the clouds, "we are directly over Pisa" "How do you know that?," said Gabriel, clearly impressed. "Well" said Gabriela, "when I stuck my hand through the clouds I could feel a tower leaning at an angle, so I knew it must be Pisa". They walked on. "Where do you think we are now?" said Gabriel. Gabriela stuck her hand through the clouds again and said "Rome". "How do you know that?" said Gabriel even more impressed. Gabriela replied, "when I felt below the clouds my hand was wet. Its easy, must have been the Trevi fountain" Again, they walked on. "Where are we now said Gabriel?" Once more Gabriela stuck her hand through the clouds. "Naples" she replied. "How do you know that?" said Gabriel, more impressed than ever. "Thats easy" said Gabriela, "someone just pinched my wristwatch".

True story:-Man driving in the west of Ireland gets lost. He stops to ask directions:- "Am I on the right road for Doolin?"."You are", comes the reply. "But your facing in the wrong direction though."

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder because he wanted to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.   For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"   The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that just a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all."   "Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."